College essay gone mad
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO
GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE
HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO
DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas,
I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I
cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe
and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small
village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I
play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an
abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can
hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized
a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I
weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to
let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.